1. |
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Casting the runes on checkatrade
Yes, I'm casting the runes on checkatrade
When that man came by to fit my burner
He earned a world of pain
For the feet were not secured
And the pipe was on the lean
Oh, you may have scraped your DEFRA rating
But death is waiting for thee
So I searched through my books of evil
And I spoke with Monty James
And in the darkest corner of my local library
I found the offending page
For when I phoned to query the finish
I was met with much abuse
So I logged straight on to checkatrade
And I left your last review
Casting the runes on checkatrade
Yes, I'm casting the runes on checkatrade
When that man returns to service my wood burner
He's earned an early grave
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2. |
A Looser Fit
02:43
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The trend for skin tight trousers
I got zipped up in it
And now I think I need a looser fit
I'm losing circulation to all my lower bits
I think I need a looser fit
Too much perspiration
Puddles round the pits
I think I need a looser fit
I sense your condemnation of my favourite outfits
You think I need a looser fit
I need a looser fit
I need a looser fit
I think I need a looser fit
But I'm a slave to the sensation
I really ought to quit
I think I need a looser fit
My active days are over
I'll never do the splits
I think I need a looser fit
It looked better in my twenties
I'll freely admit
I think I need a looser fit
The sound of tortured seams torments me when I sit
I think I need a looser fit
My sutures have no futures
They whimper and split
I think I need a looser fit
I need a looser fit
I need a looser fit
I think I need a looser fit
There's too much on display
I ain't proud of it
I think I need a looser fit
My doctor's urging caution
If I ever want kids
I'm gonna need a looser fit
Physical distortion got my organs in a twist
I think I need a looser fit
The blackouts and the nosebleeds
They're all part of it
I think I need a looser fit
Or etched upon my headstone and writ in my obit:
'He should've worn a looser fit.'
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3. |
Hole in the Boat
01:40
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Oh, I'm testing the waters with you
What else can I do?
For we fought
And we clawed
And we scratched
Till we tore a hole in our little canoe
The tide was so dark and so wild
It filled me right up inside
Till I could no longer tell myself from the swell
Or the silt that it stirred in my mind
The brine did abraid us
The motion unmade us
An ocean claimed us
The rocks filleted us
I'd paid for my passage, I thought
But the toll was the whole of my heart
Now I'm caught in a tortured maritime metaphor
Soggy and overwrought
And I'm losing my stream of thought
All I meant to say was I'm close to OK
Sodden but still afloat
Mending the hole in the boat
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4. |
The Illustrated Ham
01:28
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I tattooed myself for you
It wasn't so bad
I said it with ink
And blood
I'm blue as a bruise
Red as a wound
And swollen with love
I tattooed myself for you
It wasn't that bad
I lay on the bed
And bled
For a couple of hours
While they coloured the flowers
And the contours of your head
I'm a technicolour Romeo
Around my groin, a garden grows
Below the belt where no one goes, but you
My tattoo is genius
A tender rendering of us
Entwined on my behind for all time
There may be other women
But you'll always be queen of my heart
Tattooed on my arse
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5. |
Mullet Rides Again
02:52
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Oh, officer, believe me
Through this throbbing in my head
I am aware he may be breathing
But the man I loved is dead
The man I loved is murdered
Ever since the fateful day
When he entered Enzo's barbers
And paid five pound for a fade
Tearful teenage widow
Cease the rending of your dress
Unclench the fist that clutches this dark clipping to your breast
Entrust me with those tresses
A DNA test is the best shout to work out what the answer to this mess is
'Cos the mullet's back in town
The mullet's back in town
Yours ain't the first young man struck down
The mullet's back in town
The mullet's going round
Undercuts and overbites abound
I'm lucky, I suppose
My condition guarantees it
I'm immune to this and various follicular diseases
Come away with me babe
I can heal your shattered heart
I may look like Phil Mitchell, but at least I'm no Pat Sharp
'Cos the mullet's on the rise
Mullet rides again
He caught it from a footballer and gave it to a friend
The mullet's on the rise
Mullet rides again
When will the madness end?
The mullet's back in town
Down behind the barbers
We could make a killing selling balaclavas
To grieving mothers and seething fathers
Whose kids have turned to Ziggy Stardust
Oh, the mullet's on the rise
The circle is completed
And those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it
The mullet's on the rise
Mullet rides again
When will these atrocities end?
When will the madness end?
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6. |
A Good Looking Girl
04:08
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He came a-wooing my tender young darling
With tweezers and lasers
With needles and knives
To tighten her eyelids
And peel her dermis
He offered his services reasonably priced
'I cannot go with you, though dearly I'd like to.
I work in the salon on minimum wage.
My pocket is empty.
Your treatments cost plenty.
At twenty years old, I am doomed to old age.'
'Fear not, my plain maiden.
Micro-dermabrasion is yours for the taking
Only take my hand.
From the low to the lordly
All folks can afford me.
You may pay in installments with my finance plan.'
Oh, blend her and bleach her
And render her features
Smooth as the mirror she holds in her hand
Bend and beseech her to further procedures
She's a good looking girl but she needs a good tan
She's seen twenty winters
Though none of them linger
Casualty of the cosmetic craze
Peeling and purging
She's urging her surgeon
To curb each emerging sign of her age
Now I see her at Sainsbury's
And oh, how it pains me
To watch the expression lessen and die
She used to smile
But now she's immobile
From the chin to the forehead and all round the eyes
Her hair like the lily that grows in yon valley
Her skin like the clementine ripe on the vine
Her teeth like the snows on the hill high and frozen
Her lips like the duck bill that dips in the brine
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7. |
Shark Facts
02:17
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8. |
Passive Smoking
02:26
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Cheap and plentiful sugar reducd me to Bakery Rake
Now I long to return to the shape I was
Before I started putting on weight
I limp on from biscuit to biscuit
From coffee break to cake
Oh, tea room's taken its toll on me and my waistline
I'm fixing a hole where my self-control should be
Tea room, take pity on me
As addictions I know I rank low on the scale of suffering
But at least heroin keeps you thin
Failed to fix the hole where my self-control should be
Derailed by custard cream
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9. |
Hey Moderator
02:20
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Hey hey Moderator
How's your head?
Another day among the digital dead
Knee-deep in necrophiles
Numb to beheading
Bodily fluids and blood on the bedding
Hey hey Moderator
How's your health?
You're holding the Fort
But you're killing yourself
How's it feel to be a human shield
In the war on filth?
You're sweeping the field
Where does the dirt, where does the soil go?
The bend is blocked
The bowl will overflow
Hey hey Moderator
All day long
Sifting the juice in the John
Hey hey Moderator
Overseas
Trawling through atrocities
Screen-burned intern hanging by a thread
Three pounds an hour to scour the darkest web
Where does the dirt, where does the dark go?
How much hurt can your head and heart hold?
Bestiality break
PTSD
Lunch break
Date rape
DBS please
Go tell the boss that your appetite's lost
Your soul is a hole
And clean content comes at a cost
Hey Moderator
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10. |
Pramful of Dogs
03:27
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Pound for pound, you're the priciest hound around
But your feet don't touch the ground
When they wed you to your wheels, did they feel any guilt?
When they chained you to your chair, did they care how you felt?
I bent low to help you down the stairs
Stared deep into that bugaboo
Baby's covered in hairs
They're pushing a pramful of dogs!
Kids can be so cruel
How the other hounds howl!
To see you waxed and groomed
And prammed around town
Well, we bred out the legs from beneath you
And forced you to the floor
But you were born with teeth
You oughta use 'em more
'Cos they're pushing a pramful of dogs!
Pushing a pramful of dogs!
Don't you realise that child was born with four legs
It should be running wild
Pushing a pramful of dogs!
You spawned the wrong species
How the other hounds howl
And strain their leashes
Oh, they're laughing at you
And your bugaboo full of cavapoos with the blues
Shiatsus in shoes
And French bulldogs wearing fleeces
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11. |
Down to the Duckpond
01:49
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Well, it can seem a long time from quarter to nine
When breakfast's done
Till story time
The hours stretch ahead like a broken bridge
And you've gotta find a way to entertain the kids
Got no transport
Funds run low
Only one place to go
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Come rain sun or snow
Go!
Well, the darlings are demented and you're trying not to shout
A war can be prevented, but you've gotta get 'em out
The decibels are rising
The walls are closing in
There's a light on the horizon but your eyes are growing dim
Bickering begins
Tensions are high
Gotta get the kids outside
Go down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Keep the kids occupied
Alright!
Bad for the birds
Good for your head
White bread
White bread
Sliced White bread
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Keep the kids occupied
Down to the duckpond
Down to the duckpond
Down to the ducks
Then along to the Swan for a pint
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12. |
Yellow Label Hour
02:17
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I come alive when the light starts to die and the chicken's going cheap
Baby, you can tell when that cellophane swells
Well, it's time to sell that ready meal to me
Reduce! Reduce!
The finest foods
The faintly tainted meat
Reduce! Reduce!
Nothing to lose
Everything to eat
Hey, hey, they're giving it away
My favourite time of day
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
You say that tin's on the turn
I say the can's an antique
And nothing satisfies like pork pies pushing past their peak
Cheap thrills
Meet me at the tills
I've got deals to make your knees weak
No-one was ever killed by a little bit of wilt in the Leaf
Hey, hey, they're giving it away
My favourite time of day
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
Yeah yeah yeah Yellow Label Hour
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13. |
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Now I'm no longer a boy
I join the ranks of recliners
What used to fill me with joy
Now tends to fill me with tiredness
I used to want a lot more
Now I can take a lot less
What used to thrill me before
Now seems to fill me with stress
What seems to get me excited
Is nor what it used to be
A living room all unlighted
The flicker of a TV
So if you fancy a quiet one
You know who to call
All I wanna do these days is nothing at all
So I aspire to be idle
I wanna wind down and stop
I'd walk a million miles
Not to have to walk to the shop
I don't want stimulation
I'm not that fussed about fun
A little less conversation
Little more inaction
So if you fancy a quiet night
You know who to call
All I wanna do these days is nothing at all
Yeah, if you fancy a quiet night in
You know who to call
All I wanna do these days is nothing at all
All I wanna do these days is nothing at all
All I wanna do these days is nothing
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14. |
Cruel With Drink
02:16
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Said the Famous Grouse to the Old Speckled Hen:
'Let us never cross feathers again.
For I'm perfectly peaceful 9 times out of 10
But now and again
I offend.
'I cannot make excuses for the way that I behaved
I was not debauched, deranged or depraved
But I was cruel with drink
Cruel with drink
And now I'm ashamed.'
Said the Old Speckled Hen to the Famous Grouse:
'Why so morose?
The fault is not yours
It belongs to your host.
For in anthropomorphising inanimate things
He seeks to blame the weapon for the injury it brings.
He was cruel with drink
Cruel with drink
And now he has the nerve to sing.'
Cruel with drink
Cruel with drink
I was foul last night but that wasn't my intent
Like half a steel rule
I'm a bit of a tool
And I snapped when I should have bent
Cruel with drink
Cruel with drink
I should go dry
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Matt Stockl UK
Cynical, satirical, lyrical, comical.
Daft songs. Grubby recordings.
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