1. |
Dog Shit Tree
02:21
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Upon my weekly rambles through England’s verdant fields
Snagged on sagging brambles the same old fruit I see
Or bagged and filled to bursting it dangles in the breeze
From the bending boughs above me of the blooming dog shit trees
The snowdrop and the crocus extend towards the sky
The daffodils all focus on something way up high
I follow where they’re gazing and from a branch I see
That someone’s tied a yellow bag around the old oak dog shit tree
The world continues turning
The seasons come and go
The summer sun beats down upon the grateful earth below
And lowering its limbs to graze the bathers on the banks
Dog Shit Tree bestows caresses in return for plastic bags
Dog Shit Tree
Dog Shit Tree
I see another dog walker has tied their mess to thee
Dog Shit Tree
Dog Shit Tree
Flowering foul and free
Dog Shit Tree
Dog Shit Tree
You bear your dog shit burden with dog shit dignity
Dog Shit Tree
Dog Shit Tree
Flowering foul and free
You wear it with dignity
You wear it with dignity
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2. |
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Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby gonna hit the strip
When the spiralling viral apocalypse hits we’ll be alright for oven chips
You know me I’m a UHT man
You know me I’m a ham in a can fan
You know me: master of disaster plans
I got pasta to last a man and his baby a lifetime
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying
Me and my baby on a trolley dash
Me and my baby spend some cash
When rationing hits and the world goes to shit we’ll be the ones with the bog roll stash
You know me I love life’s little luxuries:
Powdered milk and batteries;
Diesel for the generator;
Margerine;
Gasoline;
Dry store horde adrenaline;
Andrex;
Durex;
Aspirin;
Breathing masks and apparatus
Come on baby, let’s go Tesco, Costco, Co-op
Come with me if you wanna shop
I got piles of love in stockl
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying panic buying
Me and my baby going panic buying
Come on people, panic with my baby and me
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3. |
Secret Mode
03:40
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O, Service Provider
You pull the net tighter
You kick the door wider in order to support
My shameful excesses
My illness progresses
I’m hardly the man I thought I was before
But when the world turns on me I turn on you
And when the world turns on me I know what to do
I turn on Secret Mode
I enter the passcode
I follow that dark and lonesome road wherever it goes
I turn on Secret Mode
I input the passcode
I wander the sad and seedy path I’ve walked before
No more an innocent
I came and I went
My spirit is spent
My eyes swollen and sore
Shame on me, Secret Mode
I lightened my load
I crumple and fold till I am two foot tall
I close my eyes and seared on their lids:
Those terrible sights;
Those terrible things
My mind on fire
My marriage on ice
Service Provider, I’m caught in your vice
So when the world turns on me I turn on you
And when the world turns on me I know what to do
Yeah, when the world turns on me I turn on you
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4. |
Weapondog
02:36
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People try to put me down
Just because I maimed a minor
If all this mauling gets you down
Take it up with my designer
I’m a Weapondog of the working classes
I’ll protect your kids
Take me home I’m yours to own for six hundred quid
I’m your personal pedigree predator
Vicious times, vicious breeds
Avaricious breeders lead the market
Man commodifies my genes
And hangs me from my family tree
I’m the dog you’re dreaming of
I’m the one you need
The coefficient calculator’s got nothing on me
I’m your personal pedigree predator
Ready to rend your foes
Daddy, I’m deadly and I love you
Throw me a bone
Let me lock my jaw in your heart
If the honeys all shun you
the bigger boy laugh at ya
silence the crowds with a psycho from Staffordshire
Hard-men and hounds go hand in hand, don’t you know
Hackles and muscles, saliva live-oh
A wolf in wolf’s clothing
Who would have known that a weaponised canine’s a hazard to have in the home?
I’m the dog your dreaming of
I put the pain in puppy love
I’m the dog you’re dreaming of
I put the bite in puppy love
I’m the dog you’re dreaming of
I’m the one you need
Put your muzzle on me
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5. |
Replenishing With Ayley
02:05
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Milk Spiller spilled in the chiller again
Night shift are tight lipped
I have my suspicions but the footage is granular
Store Detective
Replenishing with Ayley
That’ll be a laugh!
Seedy underbelly of the night staff
Replenishing with Ayley
Working on the file
Slumming with the scum along the alcohol aisle
The cabinet’s fine but the elements stink
The aisle is like an ice rink
Staff stick together but someone’s gonna give
Store Detective
Replenishing with Ayley
That’ll be a laugh!
Dusting off the Waitrose polygraph
Replenishing with Ayley
That’ll be sweet
Ayley’s on her way to a disciplinary
Ayley’s on her way to a disciplinary
Ayley’s gonna face a disciplinary
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6. |
Doom Scroll
04:07
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At the end of my energies
When activity slows
I’m aware that you’re there for me, Doom Scroll
So I slide down your window pane
And I swallow you whole
And I’m lost in the dross again
Doom Scroll
In the arms of my partner
In the heart of my home
In the eyes of my children
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
In the breaks between broadcasts
In the moments of peace
The confusion of waking
And the calm before sleep
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
So I sink into silence
And I reach for the phone
And I think about nothing
Doom Scroll
I renounce conversation
I relinquish my hold on this whole situation
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
I scroll alone
When the day’s work is over and the evening begins
I refuse to think clearly about anything
So I wrote to say thank you for all your support
You prevent me from being left alone with my thoughts
Yeah, thank you for all of your help
You save me from being alone with myself
In the arms of my partner
In the heart of my home
In the eyes of my children
I scroll alone
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7. |
Content Provider
03:21
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The subscribers
The subscribers
The subscribers and the content providers
Your mother and I are concerned, son, we don’t know what to do. Since you turned into a teenager we’re haemorrhaging views. Where’s our cow-eyed baby? Where’s that cash cow in a cot that paid for Caribbean holidays and weekends on the yacht? We raised you to be better than the other girls and boys.
Drop the cigarette and unbox your toys.
The subscribers
The subscribers
The subscribers and the content providers
We’re concerned, son. Things aren’t looking great. There’s money to be earned, son, and sponsors to placate. I don’t think you understand or I don’t think you care: if the talent isn’t working then the income isn’t there.
Panic at Hasbro!
Panic at Mattel!
Twenty-eight million panicky subscribers as well
The subscribers
The subscribers
The subscribers and the content providers
Lord knows what you’re doing in the darkness of your room. You should be out here in the garden with your old production crew. Cling onto those memories: the happy times you had with your film crew and your viewers and your dear old mum and dad.
I don’t think you understand or I don’t think you care: It’s the sponsors and subscribers that made you a millionaire.
The subscribers
The subscribers
The subscribers and the content providers
This content’s organic, baby
This content is clean
It’s the purest content your kids have ever
seen
Your mother and I just want what’s best for you…tube
Your mother and I just want.
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8. |
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There was a time when you and I might split a bottle of wine
Then split another and after recovering split one one more time
But since you addressed the problem…
I’m secretly drinking without you
Secretly drinking alone
You may have changed but I choose to remain in my hole
Secretly drinking without you
Secretly drinking alone
I’m pleased that you purged but I still feel the urge to get shitfaced when I get home
Drink your tea
Watch TV
Leave the recycling to me
With trembling hands I dispose of the cans
Noiselessly
You and your friends have chose to cleanse and in theory I’m keen to be clean
But since you abstained, everything's changed and I try to refrain but I miss being pissed every day
And so…
I’m secretly drinking without you
Secretly drinking alone
You may have changed but I choose to remain in my hole
Secretly drinking without you
Secretly drinking for two
Drinking my weight
Staying up late to avoid you
Secretly drinking without you
Secretly drunk half the time
Secretly thinking of when we would split those bottles of wine
Secretly thinking of when we would split that wine
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9. |
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I waved my baby so long on the 6:51 from West Drayton to Kingdom Come
I shed myself a tear or two then I zipped myself up in my Tyvek suit and went workin’
I’m workin’ on the Railroad
I scrape away the time
With a long-handled spade and a pack of black sacks I’m clearing the line
For the rest of the Great Western Railway Children
I’m working’ on the Railroad in my wellington bots and my old marigolds
Where the women in widow’s weeds weep on the sleepers, I sweep
And I scrub up the blood
And I bag up the bits of the Great Western Railway kids
I’m working’ on the Railroad
I scrape away the slime
Of the disenfranchised, disembowelled, dismembered DIYs
My stomach is strong and I work all day long
When my friends in forensics have quit and gone home
On the railway suicidings
The slick and shining steel
In the darkest dreams of the drivers
To the sound of screaming wheels
In the blackest brackish puddles
And scattered little piles
I work through the night
Clearing the lines
With the troublesome ghosts of the Great Western Railway
With the selfish shades of the Great Western Railway Children
I pick and collect
I disinfect
I bag up the bits of the Great Western Railway kids
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10. |
You're Not Funny
01:55
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I was going for bawdy and comic
Not a comment on my mental health
But when I played it to my friends and family
They only heard a cry for help
Maybe it’s in my delivery
Maybe I’m too dry
When I tried my hand at comedy
Everybody cried
You may think you’re funny but you’re not, mate
I know you think you’re funny, but you ain’t
You may think you’re funny, but you’re not
From the top
This time, play it straight
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Matt Stockl UK
Cynical, satirical, lyrical, comical.
Daft songs. Grubby recordings.
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